I Have Always Been a Wordsmith

If there is one thing you should know, it is that I am (and always have been) an amazing writer. Seriously. I am a prolific author with works spanning nearly three decades. I have decided that it would be in the best interest of my readers to familiarize themselves with my early writing. Therefore, I will provide scanned copies of some of my most acclaimed stories accompanied with translations for beginners. Enjoy!

Let us begin with a short story entitled “Ryan the Fix-it Man at Johnsonville Sausage” (February 1991)

This is a classic example of a “hero’s journey” story that would make even Joseph Campbell proud. Billy and his friend Ryan work in a sausage manufacturing company. They are faced with a seemingly insurmountable dilemma; the screw has broken and they cannot find a replacement. The most pressing concern being that Billy’s parents are on the way to purchase some “snakesticks/snacksticks” and they must not leave empty-handed! Luckily, our heroes finally find the screw in the most unlikely of places: the hardware store. Billy’s parents are now able to retrieve their desired meat products. What a coming-of-age story with a twist!

Next, we should examine “Ryan’s Eyeballs” (February 1991)

After writing “Ryan the Fix-it Man at Johnsonville Sausage”, I realized that I hadn’t developed my Ryan character enough. “Ryan’s Eyeballs” was an attempt to peer into this protagonist’s past to provide my readers with the bigger picture. The tale begins with Ryan’s dream of famed athlete, Michael Jordan. Our hero awakens and removes his eyes with the intention of using them as basketballs. This action is clearly a metaphor for Ryan’s ability to do whatever his mind’s eye can envision. The metaphor carries over for nearly all other eyeball circumstances in the story, including the unforgettable shark battle. The story takes a somewhat unexpected turn at the end when Ryan’s grows older and suddenly loses his eyes in a tragic “nailing” accident. Metaphorically, it is clear that the story suggests that one must pursue his/her dreams before growing too old to achieve them. Ryan becomes a roofer later in life. One day, his eyes unexpectedly fall out and are popped from the force of his own hammer against nail. Of course, the idea of shattered dreams was mere conjecture for me at the time, but I can confirm its relevance now.

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This nail-biting piece of fan-fiction was penned in the fall of 1991, following the theatrical release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. At the time, there had never been a script like this; nearly every hero in the story is faced with a sudden and unexplained lack of power. But with an outrageously unexpected climax, readers are led to an awe-inspiring finish. Ninja Turtles III was optioned for the silver screen in early 1992, but I declined offers from executives. I knew Hollywood would alter my words, and I didn’t want to sacrifice my integrity at the time.
After the attention I received from my Ninja Turtles fan-fiction, I knew it was time to traverse genres. I realized, at that point in my literary career, I may want to focus on myself. So, I penned my first autobiographical endeavor, “My Cat Buster.”

This riveting peek into my life was just what my audience was craving. In addition, the story’s raw and uncompromising words rang true with a new audience: the general public. My prior stories/novels were geared only to a certain crowd. Now, I had a universal audience. I was on top of the world!!!

Unfortunately, we all push our artistic abilities beyond their boundaries. The last entry I will include is my maniacal graphic novel that I do not truly remember writing. I’m sure I was in a haze from my addicitons at the time: Kid’s Cuisine and Scented Markers. Nevertheless, here is an untitled Comic that escapes me:

Really, I just don’t know. Say Whaaaa??????